Oh No! Not A Fanfic!
by Lue'cleste
Summary: When Severus Snape wakes up to find himself trapped in a fanfic written by a horrible author who really has it in for him, he realises his day is not going too well... UPDATED! Contains MILD COARSE LANGUAGE And MILD Sexual References Though tame ! OOC!


**The characters ain't mine, they belong to J K Rowling, I'm just borrowing them, twisting them around, putting them through the ringer, doing all sorts of evil nasty stuff and returning them. End of story.**

**This is one of my first ever humour attempts, so please go easy. Criticisms are welcome; flames will be used to keep me warm this winter, or to light my smokes… We're always losing lighters around here!!**

**Also, this is a rewrite of the original. I decided I needed to tweak it a little, redo the formatting etc. maybe even make it longer, more content, etc. I know a few more clichés, so I'll throw them in too. Might even make it into a one shot, so it's all in one place. Also, I decided to introduce a character I'm working on for another fanfic.**

SS-SS

Snape sat up in bed, yawned, and stretched. That was when he realized something was wrong. He never stretched and yawned. Oh no! It was a fanfic! He jumped out of bed and ran around in circles looking for his clothes and went to warn Dumbledore.

He came to Dumbledore's gargoyle statue and thought for a moment for the password before remembering it, "Cockroach Cluster!" The gargoyle jumped aside.

He ran up the stairs two at a time, only to find Dumbledore snoozing in his chair at his desk. "Professor!"

Dumbledore gave a loud snort and came awake, "Yes, Severus?"

"We're stuck in a fanfic!"

"Yes, I know...that's why I went to sleep...keep me out of it as much as possible."

"Do you know who the writer is?"

"Lue'cleste, I believe, but I could be wrong."

Snape stared at him. "Lue'cleste? She really has it in for me! Pairing me up with all those women!"

"She just likes you Severus. Now piss off so I can catch up on my beauty sleep." Dumbledore rested his head on his chest and within seconds was snoring softly once more. Snape made a disgusted sound in his throat and exited. No amount of beauty sleep was ever going to make Dumbledore look better. 150 years makes a man a little on the unattractive side. And that beard… how many times did he store food in it 'for later'? He had no idea what Minerva saw in him.

He ran into Professor Minerva McGonagall hurrying along the corridor. "Severus! Have you heard! It's a fanfic, by Lue'cleste!!!"

"Joy." Snape said flatly.

"She only likes you, Severus. It's nothing to worry about."

"I know she likes me, that's the problem! She keeps trying to change me! Didn't you read the one where she had a teacher cast a spell on my head to make my hair all shiny! It was terrible!! I was laughed at for days!"

"Well, Severus, just try to be yourself. She can't do too much this time without repeating herself." As Minerva walked away, she threw a spell over her shoulder. Snape pulled a lock of his hair over his face to examine it. It was dark, silky and shiny. He groaned. Not again. He stalked off feeling very offended, so offended he didn't slow down going around a corner and bumped into someone, knocking them to the ground.

When he bent to help them up, he saw it was the new teacher, a very pretty woman with green eyes and fair hair. He was smitten with her just looking at her. All of this was shattered however, when she looked at his hair, and said, "I see you've had a bath for a change. Good, your hair looks wonderful."

Tears welled up in Snape's eyes. "You had to put it that way, didn't you?" He ran off in tears, sobbing hysterically, while the new teacher stood looking puzzledly puzzled and cluelessly clueless.

Snape's day was not going well. He appeared to be the laughing stock of the school, everyone seemed to be sniggering behind their hands at him. Over the course of the day, his hair had even changed colours! Purple, green, red and gold together… He wanted to kill Minerva!

He had spent a full hour in his office, crying his little black heart out, but it didn't help him feel better. He knew what he wanted. He wanted his mummy. Damn author. He felt totally rotten, so rotten, he burst into tears in front of that horrible Potter boy and his ghastly friends....

SS-SS

When Snape had finished teaching for the day, he felt terrible He normally didn't cry, but being stuck in a Lue'cleste fic was enough to make anyone cry. And when he got to dinner, the only chair free was right next to that teacher he had run crying from earlier. His luck was worsening. But when he sat down, the new teacher turned to him, smiling a smile that reached her eyes, though not completely, and started making small talk with him.

He groaned under his breath. Would that Lue'cleste ever grow up? Probably not. He sighed, and answered the teacher's question. Would this dingbat even be given a name? Suddenly, Dumbledore walked past on some god unknown errand, and greeted the teacher, "Good evening, Miss Longbottom." Miss Longbottom? Was this witch related to Neville Longbottom?

"Yes, he's my nephew. And yes, I know what you're thinking. Dingbat indeed. And no, I won't go out with you, so you can shove that up your arse you greasy haired git."

Offended, Snape turned back to his meal and ate in silence. After dinner, he went back to his office and played with his miniature little kitty, a gift from his mother before she died. It was the only thing that kept him happy, watching the eternal kitten play with the piece of string. It softened his little black heart slightly, which was a lot where he was concerned.

There was a knock on his office door, and then it opened. "Professor Snape? We're here for our detention. What's that?" Harry Potter asked, pointing at the kitten.

"Oh, it's adorable!" Hermione Granger exclaimed. Ron Weasley grunted.

Snape shut the drawer on the small kitten, and turned to face them, all evilness back in place. "Alright, you were being arseholes in my class, and now you get the punishment. You have to...pickle newt brains. Yes, that will be what you have to do. Follow me!"

He led them down to the dungeon where he took his classes, shoved the newts at them and sat down ostensibly grading work but really reading a muggle book, called a 'Mills and Boon'. It was really fascinating reading. He wondered if Selena would ever get with George, it was obvious they liked each other...

Suddenly, he realized that it was time for detention to end. He got up and dismissed the three Gryffindors ("Piss off now!") and went back to his office to collect his kitten, which had its own little bed in his room.

It was as he was leaving his office that he tripped; the kitten went flying, and landed in a nearby Hufflepuff's cauldron. The Hufflepuff looked around in surprise, and seeing Snape's look gulped. Snape descended on him like a thundercloud, then... he reached into the Hufflepuff's cauldron, took out the tiny kitten, stroked it, and gave ten points to Hufflepuff for his magnificent catch.

He then took off five points for the Hufflepuffs shoelaces were undone. Snape crept back to his room, set the little kitten down in its bed, crooned softly to it, then turned out the lights and went to sleep.

The next morning he awoke, stretched, yawned and groaned. Still stuck in this bloody fanfic? 'Oh, hell with it.' He thought, and went back to sleep.

However, this damned author just wouldn't leave alone. He was woken maybe an hour later by a banging on his door. Groggily, he got up, noticing he was wearing a black satin nightdress, and wondered if his head would get along with the wall.

Opening the door, he was greeted by a god awful sight: most of the staff, holding balloons, streamers and muggle noisemakers standing in the corridor, along with a banner, obviously being levitated by Flitwick that read "Happy Birthday Severus!"

Groaning again, they dragged him out of his rooms, nightdress and all, which, on closer inspection, Snape noticed was also lacy, and to the staffroom, where everything was laid out for a party.

This author was obviously twisted. As everyone began to notice he was in a nightdress, people started yelling "Fancy dress!" and transfiguring their clothing. Minerva transfigured herself to be wearing a dress with the picture of a cat on it with the words 'Bad Cat- I Always Get What I Want' across the front. Severus sighed.

It got worse. Flitwick was wearing what looked like a Muggle Christmas elf costume, to his astonishment, Albus was wearing a leather biker get up, Sprout was dressed in nothing but leaves, Sinistra was wearing what looked like a galaxy in a dress, the Longbottom woman was in a suit with cards pinned on it (Severus groaned at this, getting the bad pun), and Poppy was wearing a naughty nurse outfit. Hagrid appeared to be dressed as a hippogriff.

Moving to where the alcohol was, Severus reached to grab a glass, before he was pulled away by Minerva, who had cats ears added to her outfit (Tartan of course- she'd been drowning in tartan for how many decades now?), towards a giant green and silver cake. Great, he couldn't even have a drink. Everyone sang 'Happy Birthday', then he found himself cutting the cake, which was chocolate. He also noticed he was now dressed as Batman, whoever 'Batman' was.

It was only after everyone had eaten the cake, and was mingling, that everyone realised that it wasn't even January, and therefore, not even Severus' birthday. Due to Lue'cleste's influence, however, everyone quickly forgot, and Severus found himself being dragged out to dance over and over.

Eventually, he found himself dancing with a small woman with blue eyes and auburn hair. On her wrist was a wooden beaded band bracelet with an intricate design made with the beads. In her hair were leaves, she was barefoot, and in a short white dress. He found himself smitten with her, and wondered if maybe Lue'cleste wasn't so bad. As they talked, he found himself drawn more and more to this woman. Eventually, the party drew to a close, and the woman drifted away from him. He called out to her for her name, to which she smiled mysteriously and answered "All in good time."

And then he was back in his rooms. He cursed this damned author over and over, and wondered when he would meet that woman again.

Deciding to go back to bed, he got undressed, deciding that maybe naked would be a better idea this time, and it was as he was wandering his rooms, Minerva dropped in via the floo. Her hand flew to her mouth as she saw his nudity full on. "Oh my. I'm sorry for the..uh.. small inconvience, Severus.. I just meant to drop by for a short minute…"

Severus rolled his eyes. It was cold, for fuck's sake! What did she expect, a bratwurst, or a frankfurt, seriously?

"…but Albus asked me to remind you of the tiny incident of the meeting tomorrow, and was hoping, uh, you'd be up for coming…"

Severus snorted.

"…and the miniscule detail of the schedule…"

Severus almost choked, as she handed him a piece of parchment, blushing furiously.

"…your presence is requested, although it is on short order…"

Severus wondered when the puns would end.

"…I mean, a man of your, uh, stature, would be considered a less, I mean, loss, when dealing with the Ministry…"

Minerva cleared her throat. "So, I'll leave you to your rest with these little details, shall I?"

She turned towards the floo, throwing over her shoulder as she did so, "And please, Severus Snak- I mean- Snape, none of those awful billowing robes. People might think you're overcompensating." And with that, she stepped in the floo, and was gone.

Severus groaned, his head in his hands. Would this ever end? Deciding that maybe the author might actually allow him to sleep, he crawled into bed, contemplating what he would do to this author if he ever got a hold of her, and hoping she would get writers block. Or turn her attention to that damned Tartan Avenger McGonagall.

SS-SS

Morning light streamed in through the enchanted windows of his bedroom, signalling morning. Severus yawned, stretched, and realised he was still stuck in this damned fic. However, he refused to bend to the author's will, and rolled back over, wandlessly drawing blinds over his windows, and went back to sleep.

Meanwhile, a writer by the name of Lue'cleste was sitting at her computer, chewing on a feather on the end of a pen, wondering what to write in next. Damn writer's block!

**A/N Well, that's all folks! If you want another chapter, you're going to have to make a few suggestions for me!! (I have one from the original, holding a rock hostage, but I need more to go on (thanks Bobette the Builder!)) Also, a "Mills and Boon" is a type of romance novel for you American readers… Some American friends of mine didn't know the term.**

**Lue.**


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